The Discovery

29Aug05

…I could not help but notice what it was that I was staring at. Plain as day, sitting right there at the entrance to the actual factory…one of the King Kong robots that they used at the old attraction at Universal Studios. Except, he wasn’t in his complete form. Oh no. He was torn apart inside, and it looked as though several of his animatronics were missing from inside. There was Kong…dead, and not coming back. I knew that the ride had closed at Universal, but, this was not right to just tear him to shreds for this. What if Universal wasn’t behind this at all? What if…

…It all made perfect sense. The Appliance Direct people at Universal that I had seen…they stole Kong from Universal. What could they possibly want with an animatronic that was built in the late 1980s, instead of going for something that was more recently made? Then, it clicked…Sam always said, “See it all and save…” Of course. He wanted to dominate the world, but, at the same time, he wanted to save money.

I had to move on…I came here to find out the true story, and now, I had part of it. They were using Kong’s insides as part of their plan. I had to know more. I snuck deeper into the factory, but, I couldn’t get too far before someone caught me…

“Hey! You! What the deuce are you doing in here?,” the man said. Then, all of a sudden, there were more guys beginning to surround me. I was in the toilet building section of the factory. Then…I had a miraculous idea…thinking back of the commercials that I had seen…I had one method of attack that could not fail me. I would attack them using white porcelain.

“Ever seen an 18 year old kid attack someone with a plastic toilet? Why not? WHITE PORCELAIN!,” I said as I grabbed a heavy toilet seat with all of the strength and muscle that I had, and began striking these nasty, factory people. Once they were all down, I threw down the toilet seat, watched it smash to the ground…and found something that I didn’t expect…a “smart chip” inside of one of these white porcelain toilet seats…but why? What would a toilet seat need a smart chip for? Unless I was getting only half of the picture here.

I found an empty office, broke down the door, and examined this smart chip. I thought of one crazy, odd theory that you would only expect me to make in this insanely odd story that I’m telling. This smart chip, when the toilet seat is plugged into the toilet, gives the toilet shooting powers…but I needed to find some solid evidence of if this was true, or, like I said, one of the crazy theories that you can only expect me to make in this story. I walked back out to the factory, and carefully examined the toilet that I had stolen that seat from. I needed to tear the thing apart, and find some sort of source of weaponry.

I tore off the top of the toilet, to find something that I wouldn’t normally want to find. No, it wasn’t crap…it was worse. They were grenades. There were about 9 of them total. That’s enough to blow up an entire house, maybe even 3. This was solid evidence. Appliance Direct was selling cheap, weapon-laden appliances, so that they could blow up the entire metropolitan area, even the entire state of Florida, wherever Appliance Direct stores are located. They had to be stopped.

Before I boarded my That One Guy Mobile™, I needed to find out what they were doing to other appliances. I took three grenades from the toilet (wow…how wrong does that potentially sound?), and put them into my trusty, Matrix-style trench coat. I continued my journey further into the factory. Everywhere, you could see factory workers, looking completely brainwashed, installing weaponry into several appliances. Not only toilets, but, refrigerators, dishwashers (sanitizes…twice!), ranges, over the range microwaves… you name it, Sam was probably having explosives installed into it. That, obviously, was not good, because, all it takes is for someone to activate some sort of satellite (oh, add that to my to-do list…Find Sam’s Explosion-Causing Satellites), and the fate of the very world could be determined.

Then I came across what had to be the most ethically sick discovery I had made since entering the factory…a nuclear Whirlpool refrigerator. That sucker was nuclear. Miniature nuclear weapons scattered throughout the entire factory line…and they had all been installed here, in this factory. That was how they were going to reach the world. That was how they were going to launch this Appliance war. This was set to be humans vs. appliances, the most unpredictable and uncalled for war that would ever be unleashed. It was time for me to take more drastic measures. I needed to coax someone into telling me of their plans. As I walked out of the factory, I caught a glimpse at this very large computer…with several buttons on it…I could not tell what exactly it was, or what it was going to be used for, but I could only imagine that it was going to be the deciding factor to whether or not the world would be dominated or not. Thinking very hard about it, I walked out of the factory, got into my That One Guy Mobile™, and took off, Sin City-style.

Back at my apartment, I began thinking of ways to find out the full plan. But, could it be too late? With these nuclear appliances all over the place, and no telling when, or why, the war would begin. I had to warn people. I had to tell the world to prepare for this crazy, hard to believe war that could be tearing the world to shreds anytime. But, wait…would people ACTUALLY believe me if I intercepted the TV signals and said something stupid like, “the Appliances are taking over the world!” No. I had to find more, solid evidence. I began formulating the next step in my plan.

After many hours of thinking and trips to the secret laboratory I built in the underground portion of the clubhouse at my apartment complex, I came up with a new plan. I was to take one of those spy cameras, small as can be, into the Appliance Direct headquarters. I would make an appointment to meet with Sam the Appliance Man. I would find out the plan. I would tell him that I am the son of the owner of an Appliance chain, Appliance Retail (based in California), and tell him that I had heard plans of an Appliance War, and that my father’s company would love to jump in. Then, I would learn the plan…yes…and I would stop it. At that point, thoughts of dominating the world myself after this plan was stopped jumped back into my head, but, of course, that wasn’t important now. What was important was to stop Sam…then start worrying about that.

The next day, I did some research. The Appliance Direct Headquarters Office was located in the middle of downtown Orlando. When I pulled up the directions on MapQuest, I realized…wait a minute…what if his little factory mice told him the description of my car…even myself, after my break-in at their weapons factory? That would ruin the whole thing. I needed to go incognito. I could not be recognized. I could not take the That One Guy Mobile™. The next morning, I was to pull off this next part in my plan.

That afternoon, something highly unexpected happened…something that I did not want to see. At exactly 1:25 p.m., August 25, 2005, the war may have begun. One of my roommates runs up to my door, and knocks on it. I was in the middle of writing a story, and I had to stop what I was doing. Our dishwasher was leaking out water, horribly. At first, I thought, “coincidence?” But no. They must have figured out just a little bit more about me. I told my roommates to get out. We had to leave, just in case something horrible happened. I went around to the other peoples’ doors in my building, and warned them to get out. In other buildings, I told people to shut off their appliances and not to use them. If they needed to cook, I told them to forget it…go to Pie in the Sky or McDonalds. Hell, they could have even gone to Steak and Shake and tried to figure out what the hell Takhomasak meant, and at the end of this…tell me what it meant.

Outraged, I decided that this could not wait until morning. The very fate of my entire apartment complex depended on it. The war could have started…I drove the That One Guy Mobile™ to the UCF parking garage closest to the Lynx Superstop. I told the driver that this was an emergency, and that taking an hour to get to downtown simply could not happen—the fate of the world lied in her hands at that moment. She told everyone else to get off the bus; she had a special route she had to make. She floored it. About 20 minutes later, we arrived in downtown Orlando, at the Appliance Direct Headquarters. Naturally, it was one of those ugly yellow buildings that the place has become so famous for. I walked in very casually, after leaving my trench coat and dark sunglasses with Veronica, the bus driver. I asked to speak with Sam.

“Hello, and welcome to the Appliance Direct headquarters! How may I direct you today?,” the woman asked.

“Hi, I’m here from Appliance Retail, based in California. I have a business matter to discuss with the owner, Sam,” I said. After giving her one of those undeniable business faces, she said, “Go right ahead. His office is the last door on the right.”

This was it. I had finally made it to Sam’s office. This was the part that would make or break the entire plot. I activated the spy camera and the accompanying voice recorder, and started talking.

“Good afternoon, Sir. My name is That One Guy. I am the son of That One Dad, who owns the Appliance Retail chain in California. I have one personal matter to discuss with you today. The matters of this war that I have heard you are supposedly trying to launch, humans versus appliances. I want in. Tell me your plans,” I asked, with that evil smile that made Sam realize that I was not playing around with this one…I was acting very serious, something that I normally cannot do.

“Ah…Appliance Retail. Very interesting. I recently spoke with your father about this war that I am planning. Simply put, the appliances that I have from all of the factories have been being sent to a highly private facility in Ocala. There, they are being altered, adding all sorts of weapons to them. The war…it’s about to start. We did a test run of exploding appliances just about an hour ago. We’ve been seeing reports on TV that all sorts of fires have broken out here in Orlando…and at an apartment complex at UCF, water is flowing out of every building from all the dishwashers…we made them explode water everywhere. The real fun starts sometime in the next 8 hours. Every appliance that I have altered is built in with weapons and a smart chip. Those smart chips are linked to a central computer, which is linked to various satellites along the globe. All it takes is for me to press a button on the central computer, and the war begins,” Sam explained to me. “The world doesn’t stand a chance…they’re all being brainwashed by me. And with my 98.2% off sale that I’m having today, the appliances are going like crazy. My entire factory in Ocala is emptied out, and it’s turning into a bunker for me and my employees. We’re heading over there very, very soon,” Sam said. “Care to join us?”

“No. My flight back to California leaves in the next hour and a half. I have to get to the airport,” I said swiftly. There was no way I was joining those appliance-junkies…no way in hell.

“Keep yourself safe, kid, and tell your father I said hello,” Sam said. I took off. I now knew of the whole plan. But, with only eight hours until the war began, I did not have much time at all to warn people. At midnight tonight, the war would begin. The war that could destroy the earth. There was no time to warn anybody. I had to act fast.

Back at the Lynx bus, Veronica was still waiting for me. She asked me what the plan was, and I explained it to her. Just telling the story back to her, I could tell that I knew the whole thing all along. The computer back at the Ocala factory on Unun Eikkaw Avenue…that was where the war would unleash itself. If there was only a way to destroy it…but no…by the time I got there, Sam and his troops would already be up there, ready to unleash the war. I went back to my apartment, preparing to brace for the worst.

I got a phone call at 9:30 that night…it was Veronica, the bus driver that helped me out getting to Appliance Direct so swiftly. She said that she discovered 5 super-sized, possibly stolen Lynx busses leaving the Appliance Direct headquarters, where she had been hiding out, looking for clues. She said that some mysterious figure shot the tires of every single bus that tried to leave. Someone else knew of these plans…someone else was out to stop Sam. I had to meet up with them. I told Veronica to track him down, talk to him, give me a call, and that I would be on my way there as soon as possible.

About an hour later, Veronica calls me back. “That One Guy…I’ve got him. He knows more than you do, and I think you need to know this valuable information that he just passed on to me. We’re going to be in even more trouble than we thought,” she said. I got into the That One Guy Mobile™ and sped to the location she told me to meet her at, at a building at the intersection of Bumby and Livingston.

The shadowy figure, who donned a trench coat similar to mine, and wore sunglasses similar to mine, said, “He’s got more than one.”

I knew exactly what he was talking about, and he didn’t even have to explain more to me. Sam had more than one satellite…more than one computer destined to destroy the earth. There was no way possible that I myself would be able to do this alone. I had to enlist this mysterious man and Veronica to each destroy one of these computers before it was too late.

“I’m Kain,” he said as the lights got brighter and I got a better look at him. At an instant glance, I recognized him. He was one of the guys that I saw coming out of Revenge of the Mummy, right behind the Appliance Direct guys. He must have known about the plan somehow…

“How did you know about the plan?” I asked him.

“I used to work for Appliance Direct, until Sam told us of this plan he had to take over the world. He told us that he was going to begin enslaving the earth with his appliances, and at that point, I left the company, and started working to prevent this from ever happening,” Kain said.

“Well, if we’re going to successfully pull this off, I’m going to need you and Veronica to help out,” I said. “How many computers are there?”

“As far as we know, there are three. One in Eustis, one in Melbourne, and the one in Ocala. They are strategically placed so that they could not be taken on by a group of people. There are security agents that will be swarming all three places. The main problem is, even if we split up, we’d have a hard time destroying the computers on our own, with that many security officers to deal with,” Kain said.

“Wait!,” I said as enthusiastically as I could. “I’ve got grenades. I stole them from a toilet that I found at one of the underground factories where he’s building his weapons. We can use them to kill off the security,” I continued.

“That’s perfect. That’ll be the way to kill them off,” Veronica said. “I say we leave. Now. And get to these factories and blow them up. We don’t have a lot of time,” she said.

I handed them each a grenade, and Kain gave us directions to each of the factories. I was to take the one in Ocala. Kain was to take the one in Melbourne, and Veronica was to take the one in Eustis. But, then, I thought of one thing…

“GUYS! We need to warn the people about this. We need to record a message, get it to CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, MTV News, and all those news stations,” I said. “…And while we’re at it…let’s also send it to Lifetime, Nickelodeon, BBC, G4, the Outdoor Sports channel, the Discovery channel, and that horrible Food Network, just for kicks,” I joked. “They will need to play it right as we’re about to make our attack on the factories, or else our cover will be blown,” I said.

Right then and there, I whipped out my high definition video camera, and started recording a message from me and Kain.

“Attention, people of Earth. This is not a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is serious business. An appliance store chain in Florida has been plotting the domination of the Earth for quite some time now. Very soon, we are expecting them to launch an all-out war. Protect yourselves. They have refrigerators with nuclear weapons built in, and they are ready to be launched. They have dishwashers that are set to explode in your face and cause unruly damage…this could very much mean the end of the world. Just take a look at this footage that I shot from inside their factories in the city of Ocala, Florida. They’re plotting the destruction of the earth. APPLIANCE DIRECT! Only Appliance Direct has the owner willing to do this to earth. They are brainwashing people into buying their products so that they can spread the availability of dominating the world. Check out this footage that I filmed in secret with the owner of Appliance Direct. He spells out his plans. Prepare yourselves NOW!,” I said to the camera. “AAAAAND, CUT!,” Veronica said. At an instant, she uploaded it to the That One Guy Mobile’s™ laptop, and emailed it to all the major news companies, and all of those other networks that I said.

A shadowy figure came running out of the pub that we had been sitting at, filming this footage. We had to get to those factories, now, before it was too late…it was now 10:30, and, after the Appliance Direct people had been delayed after Kain shot all of their tires, I knew that there could not have been too much time left before the first strike.

We received an email from CNN, as I drove Kain and Veronica to their respective new combat vehicles. The email asked us, “Does this have anything to do with that exploding washing machine in Tallahassee today? It blew up a whole house. We thought it was a joke, but, then, we got a report of dishwashers blowing up all over Orlando. We will play your video, at exactly 8 AM Friday morning.”

“Is that going to be enough time? By then they may have already made the first strike,” I asked Kain.

“By the time that they get to the factories and get the computers ready to go, it will be right about 8 AM that the first strike is expected. We just need to make sure that those computers are destroyed before then,” Kain said.

I dropped Kain and Veronica off at my garage, where I kept extra That One Guy Mobiles™. I would continue driving That One Guy Mobile I™. Veronica would take the That One Guy Mobile II™, and Kain would drive the That One Guy Mobile III™. We all bid our farewells, and wished each other luck.

Speeding back along I-75 heading towards Unun Eikkaw Avenue in Ocala, I noticed that the Sam figure on the Appliance Direct billboard had been changed…there was now a rotating washing machine, and it had a very large beam in the middle of it. I ignored it for now, it would be more crucial when this whole thing was over and done with. I reached Ocala, and called Veronica and Kain to check in and see if they had reached their respective locations yet. They had, and they were inside the factories. The time: 6 AM. We had just about 2 hours until the first strike was expected in the official war. There was not much time at all. I grabbed one of the spare grenades out of the back of my That One Guy Mobile™ (they come fully loaded), and blew the top off of the underground factory. Instantly, many security officials ran out and tried to shoot at me, but, my awesome agility and strength made it possible to avoid every single shot.

It was now or never. I had to blow up this factory. By the time I had avoided the shots and gotten the security guards away from me, it was now 7:30. There was no time. I had to check in with Kain and Veronica first. Kain was planting his grenades, and Veronica was as well. As for me, I had shot one off too soon…I was now almost defenseless. I didn’t think I could do this.

7:58 arrived, and I was ready…my last grenade at hand, I needed to throw it inside of the factory. As hard as I could, I chucked it inside, almost hitting the computer that could blow up the earth. 20 seconds later, it exploded…the factory was burning inside.

7:59…I get a much unexpected visit from Sam…he has a laptop at his hand…he has that evil expression on his face…

“So…Appliance Retail, eh? I don’t think so. Nice try, kid, but, now, you’ve made the situation worse…what you didn’t know, is that we have more than just three dinky factories…this is more than that. There’s no way that you’re about to stop us. Three factories? That’s Wakkie nu nu. Now, you have forced me to do something I’ve been longing for…,” Sam said to me. My heart sank. This was it…it was now…he prepared to push the button, and he began to count down…

…10…
…9…
…8…

“I’ll be back,” I said to Sam. And instantly, I vanished…and he continued to count down…

…3…
…2…
…1…

…
…
…

…To Be Continued…

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